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I wasn’t able to wake up early and complete my assignments and I wasn’t able to have the best, most productive day. It was actually one of my worst days here, considering how alone I’ve felt on other days. I woke up late the next day and my head was in a panic. It disrupted my flow of the day and the expectations I placed on myself. It ruined the hopes I had for the rest of my day. Just that one little setback made me feel like I was behind in everything. I started overthinking everything from academics to college to other people to myself. I started hating myself and the things I couldn’t control. I wanted to lock myself up in my room and never come out, but there’s this thing called hunger. I wanted to just stay in my dorm and do everything from there, and I did. The setbacks that were happening kind of impacted my social capability. I was angry at myself for my actions and I didn’t want to deal with others outside of the four walls of my dorm room. I just wanted to gravel and complain about my own presents.
This type of feeling happens a lot. On the days I don’t have to go outside because I don’t have classes or I’m fully stocked with food, I stay in my dorm room and don’t come out. Thankfully, I’m in a single room where it’s just me, but un-thankfully, this enacts my introverted tendencies. I don’t want to feel this way and conduct myself in this manner, but I just wanted a safe haven and the only safe haven I have now is myself. Even though I’m not as happy with myself all the time.
All in all, I was able to complete some assignments after calming myself down and reassuring myself that I can complete them on time. I also knocked up enough courage to go out of my dorm room and get some food. Hunger caught up to me. I also went to my dance club and was able to forget about the events of this morning to afternoon. It became a pretty productive day, but I did have to give up doing some things. I needed to take a long time to just calm down and not let the stress get to me. I’ve been doing pretty good at managing stress and work, but this strange thing just happened and I felt I had no more time to do anything. I need to realize that not everything is going to be perfect. Not everything is going to go my way even if I do plan it out exactly the right way. Life just doesn’t work that way, and I need to realize that. We all mess up, we all experience setbacks, and we all feel like we’re out of time to do things. Now I know how to better manage myself when this happens and not fall back into my destructive tendencies.
I push myself so hard with the classes I take because I want to see where my final breaking point is. Do you think that’s self-destructive and a self-setup? I don’t know. People always say, “no pain, no gain,” but when does the pain become too much? That’s what I’m trying to find out, but I haven’t found the answer yet. Maybe as I progress in college I’ll get my answer, but for now, I’m still stuck in my self-destructive ways.
Today, I was in my Spanish oral proficiency class and for the first time since I moved into my dorm room, I talked to one of my floormates. You wouldn’t understand this significance, so I’ll explain. I moved into my dorm room in August and I had my Spanish oral proficiency class in April. I know you’re stunned, but this is just the result of my social ineptness. I went the whole two semesters without even forming a relationship with any of my floormates. Is this crazy? Is this unnatural? Is this weird? I think it is, but I don't know. Do other people go through this? Do other people not make friends with the people they’re supposed to make friends with? It’s just all so screwed. It all just doesn’t make sense. See, I told you. Nothing I do makes sense. If you’re wondering what I said to this floormate, I just answered a question he had. He asked, “What does the word ‘te’ mean?” I told him it meant tea. He nodded and I smiled then I turned my head and reflected on what just happened. For the first time in forever, I spoke to someone who lived three doors down from me. I wouldn’t say this was progress, I would say this was luck because in the next class we probably wouldn’t talk.
After class, my mom came to my school and helped me out with some things. That’s when the real conversation happened. That’s where I finally got to release the pent-up words I had deep inside of my stomach. It was nice. It was refreshing. I was envious. It will be missed.
Once I arrived I already could feel the feeling starting to creep up my body. You know when you’re walking and people are walking towards you but not towards you, and you don’t know where to look? Yeah, same because I never know where the heck to look when this happens. Do I look at the ground, the sky, to the side, ahead, at my hands? I don’t knowwww! This occurred for a good five minutes, which is the amount of time to get from my dorm to the cafeteria. When I finally survived this awkwardness of my eyes, I walked into the cafeteria with my head held semi high. I scanned my ID and went on my daily adventure of trying to find food. I looked around, nothing out of the ordinary as usual, but I was able to get something that looked okay. Now this is where the feeling rose even more.
I was going to get something to drink, and you know when you’re going to do something and you’re waiting on someone to finish the thing you want to do. Then when that person is finished they turn around and you go for the same location where they were but they go the way that you came. Then a full on head collision is about to happen, but because of your pretty smooth reflexes you avoid colliding with them. Have you ever been through this? Well, I have. One. Million. Times. This happened when I tried to get a drink and I was waiting for someone to finish getting their drink. They were blocking the fountain drink I was going to get so I stood back, awakradly, staring at them. Alright don’t judge cause I know you do this too. When the person was done, they turned around, and I thought they were going to turn the other way so I went the other other way. In reality, they went the way I was going to go and I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to change my direction but then they changed their direction. This happened for what felt like a long minute.
When this weird dance was over they walked away hella fast and I walked to the drink machine with the feeling now in my brain. It was so awkward and so weird. I just needed to get out of there. I wanted to just throw the plate and drink I had on the floor and run to my safe haven (my dorm). I know you’re probably like, why let this common mistake that happens to everyone make you feel this way? It’s not my fault! It’s my mind and overthinking that makes me feel this way. I just can’t do public and I can’t do interaction. The only thing I want to interact with is my phone and my bed. I know this isn’t how we progress in life, but it’s just all too difficult for me. I guess this is a lesson learned though: Make sure to have enough food in the fridge or you’ll have to go into the lion's den.
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